Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Cosmic Joke

I've been thinking about this all day. I have about a hundred different things I could say, but I don't really want to say any of them. I don't want to have to explain myself. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have this be a bad dream.

There is no more baby.

No more plans, no more happy news to share.
(just sucky news that I now have to "un-tell" everyone)

No "exchange" for not getting to have my Lasik surgery. Not that that is as important as a baby, but it still matters for all the pain my stupid eyes have put me through. Last night I had a migraine from my glasses.

Tonight I just have nothing. No baby and no relief in sight since God obviously said "no Lasik". It just seems like he has a twisted sense of humor to take that away by giving me a baby and then to take the baby away too.

There is of course the part of me that thinks this is my fault. I did get on the jet ski on Saturday without even thinking about it. If I'm so worried about the roller coasters in Disneyland next month why didn't I think about the bouncing of a jet ski? But I didn't. Is it coincidence that it's 3 days later? I don't know. (hey, look, now I don't have to worry about the roller coasters. some consolation prize that is...)

Is it the fact that I feel like my body's all messed up for the last while? Do I have any control over that?

Who knows why. All I feel like is that I'm sitting at the butt end of some cosmic joke. And it sure isn't funny from this end.

10 comments:

  1. Oh Krista, I am so very sorry to hear this. And I don't know what else to say....this is just so sad and I am very sorry.

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  2. Krista.. I am so sorry.

    I have no good words.

    Just a cyber hug...

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  3. You sound hurt and angry. No one can truly understand what you are feeling except yourself and God. Allow yourself the time to greive and dont blame yourself. God has somthing good in store for you and he has given you an amazingly beautiful and wounderful little boy. Im praying.

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  4. Giant big ol' hugs to you.
    Don't blame yourself! Seriously!

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  5. I'm so sorry. :( Lots and lots of hugs.

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  6. Krista,

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you right now, and hate that we now have this in common. Take time for yourself.

    Love, Melissa

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  7. Anonymous5:15 PM

    Oh, Krista, I'm so hurt to hear that... I know the pain. My first one was a miscarriage. It will take time to heal. Do not try to hide your emotions and hurts, but let them out. Would you like to get together sometime next week? If you'd rather not, I understand. Love you! ~Leana

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  8. Dear Krista,
    So sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage myself and know how much it hurts. I am thinking of you and hurting with you.
    Take care of yourself.
    Tami

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  9. sandra jensen3:56 PM

    Krista - saw your comment on Tree Swing and just wanted to jump over and let you know how sorry I am for your loss. May God bless and comfort you and your family.

    Sandy

    sajdakota@yahoo.com

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  10. Krista, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care and don't be afraid to let everyone know what you need right now, be it a shoulder to cry on or simply space to process what has happened.

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