The Exhaustion Cycle

Hey look, three more days before I post again.  Some days I'm not sure if this is a symptom of my busy life or if this just isn't a priority anymore.  This blog used to be about keeping a record of my life and I'm SO thankful that I can look back on when the kids were little.  But now that I have Instagram for so much of it and Facebook does the daily memories thing I get it in bits and pieces.  I do miss the depth though and those other platforms are just not as searchable.

Anyway, I caught a cold last week that I am just finally recovering from.  It's amazing how much you don't feel up to doing when you are even slightly run down.  I feel like I've been in the "slightly-run-down" phase for about 6 years now, ever since I was pregnant with the twins.  And now that I am totally out of the baby stage (Hallelujah!) it's different.  I can let them be unsupervised, but we have so many more activities to do now that I feel like I'm hardly ever home.  Which would be great if my house actually looked like we were never home... but it doesn't.

Then the cycle is, I stay up late because I crave alone time, I don't get enough sleep so I'm tired again, I don't get as much done without as much energy, and I stay up late again.  Even when I manage to break the cycle for a few days, I'm such a night owl that it creeps in on me again.  And don't even think about having motivation to exercise or eat healthier when you're tired because that requires more energy!

Something's going to have to give before I break though because we are getting up earlier and earlier (hello 7:10am strings practice!) and I have to be ready to go for the day when I take the girls to school.  I know some of you are going "boo hoo" because I have to leave my house at 8am, but this is not normal for me in the last 10 years, at least on a daily basis!

I'm slowly working on some changes.  We've started to shift our going to bed habits a little earlier.  I'm trying to gain some self control and not eat all.the.sugar whenever it's available.  It's crazy how much food, and especially treats, we have in our society.  I realized how much we revolve around food when we found Cory's gluten allergy.  Can you imagine a social gathering without some kind of food? It almost never happens!  I am seeing a slight shift in what's available now though, more fruits and at least not straight sugar usually.  (thanks church!)

Basically, I'm trying to learn to take care of me.  With all of my "free time" now that the girls are in school half days I've gotten an eye appointment

new glasses coming my way

And today I actually went to the doctor for myself.  I've been putting that off for awhile too, but after I got SO sick a year and a half ago and accidentally overdosed on Sudafed my heart likes to do this lovely slow beat thing.  So EKG's for everyone.

Little changes over time, hopefully they will add up to a healthier mom, with less stress, that makes for a happier and calmer family.  We'll see if we get calm though, my kids are wild.

On Writing Again

My friend Kristi is doing this write every day thing in October.  I think I did that once upon a time in November... something about NaBloPoMo*... oh look, there it is in 2008.  Wow, talk about a trip down memory lane!

And so, since I sometimes feel like all the thoughts get caught up in my head, and I'm also kind of sad that my blog has been SO neglected since I finally got on Instagram, I'm going to write again.

***

All yesterday I was thinking about what I might want to write and why.  Life is ever so busy and tiring and I didn't get around to it last night.  Feels like the story of my life, always a day late and a dollar short.

And then this morning when I woke up to the news from Las Vegas I thought, how appropriate, all the things I was thinking about were yesterday.

Loneliness.  Busyness.  Isolation.  Anger.  Division.  It seems this is the way the world works these days and it's not pretty.  I have lamented lately that I have no real friends.  It doesn't feel that people reach out to each other anymore.  Are we all expected to put ourselves out there and hope that someone will respond?  If they happen to see it on social media?  What if they don't?

What's gone wrong in our world that we all live in our little bubbles of isolation and feel like it's us against the world?  I can't be the only mom current or past, that ends up at home every afternoon with her kids napping or waiting for the bus.  I can't be the only mom that has a few evenings a week where she could go out, but no one willing to go out with her. 

I used to say that social media saved my life when I became a stay at home mom 11 years ago, but now I'm not so sure.  The actual community we had back then is gone, replaced with product placement and a race to be the most noticed and liked in the feed (you choose the medium).  When did we stop sharing our actual lives, all of it, and start to compete with each other on yet another playing field?

I don't have the answers to any of this.  I'm still tired, still trying to make healthy choices that will help me get out of this (5 years long) tired.  I'm hoping that writing will be another healthy outlet for me.  We'll see.

*National Blog Posting Month

It's The End of the (School) Year As We Know It...

And we feel fine!  Or at least most of us do.  Summer is in some ways a bit crazier with no schedules!

Cory got to go on a cool end of year field trip to our local museum where they learned about the Native Americans that first lived in this area.  His creature above is supposed to be an owl I think.  Then they went canoeing!

Two weeks ago his class put on a play.  It was a story about a boy who wanted to bake a cake for the princess' birthday, but along the way he ran into many troubles so that by the time he got to the castle all he had left was a juicy strawberry, but a guard stopped him because the princess was allergic to strawberries.  So he was very sad and told the princess he was sorry that he didn't have anything to give her, but after he told her the story of his adventures she declared it the best gift ever because it entertained her when all the other presents had been the same typical gold and gems. 

Cory was a narrator and the kid on the left was the main character.  Then there were another group of students on the left that were a chorus of sorts.  They had created hand drawn backdrops and when the scene changed they took one down off the white board with more underneath.  It was about 15 minutes long and pretty impressive for 3rd grade!

Last week was Noah's end of the year presentation at his school.  After the tragedy of how the school year started we have been so amazingly blessed by his school.  It's been a perfect fit and we will miss it when he goes off to public school for first grade with his brother next year.

Their project for the last quarter of the year was all about honey bees and why they are in decline.  Noah's poster talks about the different kinds of bees (worker, drone, queen) and he made a bee out of clay.

The class together put on a presentation about what things are affecting the honey bee populations.

This is Noah and his friend's dramatization of the bees dying after they come to a tree that's been sprayed with insecticides.  Note the yellow bees already dead on the floor at their feet.

It was very cute, but also really great to see kids at such a young age involved and asking questions that even scientists aren't able to fully answer yet.

And now I have a newly minted 4th and 1st grader in the house, plus two girls ready to start preschool in the fall.  The baby stage is well and fully behind me!

Sweden: Walking History

Exploring Skara.  But first, a proper Swedish bakery breakfast! We ate here two mornings. I would be in so much trouble if this was in my town.

Om nom nom.

I had the little cornered pastries on the top row of the photo below one morning.  Sooo good.  But I really don't think you could go wrong with any of it!

Now I know why my mom likes bakeries so much and I don't care for them... these are truly a world apart!

 

The cathedral by morning light.  It truly was spectacular and amazing to be in such a relatively small town.

Look, we were here! (and my phone takes really distorted pictures with it's rear facing camera)

Actually the photo of us was taken from the ruins of this other church that's even older than the cathedral.









Then we walked over to the Vastergotlands Museum.

 

Clara found a helmet in the gift shop!

This is in the basement of the building above, a little history of the area during medieval times.

You can see the cathedral in the middle obviously, the ruins of the church we were standing in are in front of it, the red building across the water to the left is the museum building this is in.  And off to the right is a hill with a moat around it, Clara's mom's house is now just to the right of that!  The amazing part is that Skara really isn't that much bigger than this map.  Fill in the green areas and maybe make it slightly bigger than the whole board and that's it.

The hotel I was staying at was roughly on that main road in the center and towards the bottom of the picture.  This view is looking east at the town.

After wandering through the few rooms we went out back to the area called Fornbyn which was like a recreation of the area.  Or possibly some of the buildings were original.  I don't know, most of the signs here were only in Swedish and Clara had a cold so I didn't need her to translate everything!

They had some short people back then! Or else they just had small doorways to keep things out!

Just a pretty picture of the windmill.  Not sure what the building actually was.

 

We wandered back through town and stopped at a cafe for lunch.  Clara got the smorgastorte so I could try some, but she said it wasn't very good.  And soooo much mayonaise.  Gross.  I think if I'd had a better one I might have liked it okay.  It's interesting, but very common.

The cake above is traditional for birthdays.  It looked yummy!

Then we walked to Clara's mom's house (so you can see the town really isn't that big when we walked across the whole thing just casually!) and borrowed her car to drive out into the country looking for this church...

Where my great grandparents got married!  It wasn't open, but we peeked in one window we could reach.  VERY thick walls and once again, very short doorways!  This place is still in use on Sundays and some of the tombstones in the churchyard have recent dates on them.

Really cool to think about my great grandparents (who I never met) having walked in the same place.

 

This was the name of the area, Lindarva, just a very small area with a few houses, mostly farming area.  Back across from this sign was Hilltorp where my great grandfather was born, but we couldn't figure out which house it might have been.

 

We were dodging rain clouds all day, but mostly stayed dry and saw this lovely rainbow.  You can't tell very well, but this was the countryside there.  Mostly just flat and ALL the houses have red roofs!

Next we skirted back around Skara and went east to visit this old church called Varnhem which has the ruins of the abbey that used to be connected to it.

Unfortunately the church was closed as well so we couldn't go inside, but we did wander around in the ruins and there were little signs telling what each room was used for and they had English translations!

This church really was huge, I had a hard time backing up far enough to get it all in one frame!  There is a cow pasture behind it and I didn't really want to see if the cows were friendly or not!

While we were there it turned 6 o'clock and the doors at the top of the steeple opened and beautiful bells chimed for about 2 minutes.

Still fighting the rain, but at least you can see the grounds better when it's not completely sunny for pictures!

Walking the pathways where monks once walked (in what was also once a fully covered building) is almost surreal.  It's like you can feel the history!

Then back to Skara and a takeout pizza place for dinner.  I know I didn't have pizza, but it's been too long, can't remember what!  Anyway, nothing is very far from the cathedral so I had to get one more picture by twilight.

And then across from my hotel was the grocery store.  Their big chain is called IKA (pronounced ick-a) and this one is IKA Munken and has these monks on the outside that are practically life size!  As a reference to the monks from the abbey we had just visited.  Such cool history!

And that was all in one day... tired yet?

One Word: Joy

There are so many tangents related to this topic running around in my head I'm not sure I can get them all out coherently, so please bear with me!

Christmas hangings we found in both the girls' names this year

Last year I picked the word Hope, and reading back through that post, in light of the year, I didn't know how much I would need that word to face some of the things that happened.  Especially the suicides.  I didn't even remember I'd written about that until I read my post last night.  To have that word running around in my head though, it really helped.  And finally just in the last couple months of last year I've really started to feel like things can change.

I'm not huge into following the trends, and obviously I'm about 10 days late with this one, but I've been thinking about it since Christmas, just not had time to put my thoughts on paper until now.  Since I did Hope last year I thought, well, the obvious choice would be Joy for this year, but that's kind of cliche!  So I cast about for another word and instead in a million little ways I've gotten confirmation that this should be my word for 2016.

There is Joy, and then there is Choosing Joy, which was the post from (in)courage that came between Christmas and New Year.  And this is where I've been feeling led to camp out this year.  In the choice. (and this post, which actually came up this morning and prompted me to finally write!)

So many choices in life and often I feel like I make the wrong ones, especially when it comes to my attitude.  I've had a copy of Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts for a few years and while I love what she has to say, my Type A, black and white brain just can't handle very much of her poetic style at a time!  But the meaning behind all the words I still need.  So one of my goals for this year is to get through that book.  And I know that it's also choosing three things each day to be thankful for so I'm starting that now, even before the book.

I am the total realist, even pessimist, to my husband's optimist.  There's nothing wrong with being a realist, but sometimes it can get you down, and the people around you too.  So I'm hoping that by trying to see the good in things and be thankful I simply won't be so overwhelmed all the time.

Besides, you know, it's one of the fruits of the Spirit!

I'll leave you with this picture my friend Jenny put up on Facebook just this morning, one final note of confirmation (and the song now running around in my head!).

Did you choose a word for this year? 

Stitch Fix #5

Well, these photos aren't the greatest, late evening light never is and I have no one home to take them for me anywhere else tonight. But when Stitch Fix offered a free styling fee a couple weeks ago I thought I'd give them another try. And wow, I have to say I'm really impressed with my stylist this time, Marissa did her best!

I was pretty specific in my comments and she said she read this blog, probably helpful if you're a stylist!  So let's get to it.

Sweater #1, would have been really cool in a different color.  I'm sure they have some limits to their options, but when you can't even tell that there are holes on the bodice where my skin shows through... yeah, probably not the greatest match.  Too close to skin tone.

I did specifically ask for mostly jewel tones, this one wasn't, but the rest of them were!

Shirt #2 was sooo soft that I really want to keep it, but the neckline is just a bit too high and after wearing it a few minutes it felt like it was trying to choke me.  It really rode up higher than these photos.  The hubby didn't love the shoulder patches and it's pretty obvious I could lose some weight while wearing this.

I also didn't love the price.  Sometimes I have really noticed that you get what you pay for, my kids clothes from Old Navy show wash wear after one wash while Tea and Hanna look brand new after multiple washes.  But with Stitch Fix it's kind of hit and miss on the quality.  So for the price on this one, not joining my closet.

Jacket #3

I really wanted to love this jacket just because it seems super in style while not being so out there that it would be out of style in 2 months.  However, once again the hubby really didn't love the lines of it.  And unfortunately I think the snap may have been placed too high because I could never get the underneath side of the collar to lay flat when it was snapped.  Bummer.

Sweater #4 I adore the color on and the fit was okay, but being 100% cotton it was too short.  One wash and this one would be showing my (fat) belly even when I wasn't lifting my arms.  Maybe short is in style now, but when you have a borderline long torso that doesn't work on me.  The arms were also very snug so again with the 100% cotton content it probably wouldn't fit long.

And finally dress #5, the keeper!  When your husband tells you it's the best dress he's ever seen on you... well, I guess you have to keep it!  There will definitely be some tacking going on because me and cross over front tops, well, we like to flash the world.

I have actually wanted a fun geo print dress for years, but never found one that I could stand the way it looked on me.  This one is lined and stretchy and I love it!  It's a bit on the short side for what I'm used to, but I don't think it's too short for once!  Now to find those knee high boots... it really stinks to have wide feet in size 11 and wide calves.

Once again I would have to say that I was super impressed by their choices this time.  I asked for no woven fabrics because they just don't give with my body and they listened!  And while the dress was probably a risk since I asked for winter tops, it was the clear winner!  Other than some minor issues with each piece (and the fact that this year has been a really heavy year for me) I might have to give this Fix option a few more tries.

What do you think of their choices this time around?  Here were my third and fourth fixes.

On Summer, Life and Death, and Change

Warning, this post may not be for everyone, but I need to write it down to process it.

Out of 82 nights of summer this year I think I slept in my own bed 34 nights.  And of those 34 I had my family home with me maybe 24 nights.  About half of that was planned, but the other half was not.  It's been a loooong summer.  What with the kitchen remodel taking way longer than anticipated (no, it's not quite done yet) and then previously planned vacations for 3 weeks away, plus one more last week that was just me, I am quite happy to be home again.  (which also explains the total lack of blogging here this summer, it's really complicated to edit photos and blog from a smartphone only!)

However, life does not look like what I anticipated it would this fall.  Last week I went to Sweden (yes, I'll post pictures soon) and less than 24 hours after I got there I learned that the beloved teacher of my son's preschool/kinder class had committed suicide.  I'm still processing that one with tears every day, but it was especially hard to be in a foreign country with a cousin I'd just met and 9 hours of time difference from my friends and family back here.

I read a book on the plane on my way over and the one thing I got out of it was that the actions of one person can have a ripple effect in various ways on all of those around you.  Ironic that I wrote that and posted it just before I got the news about my son's teacher.  Even we are feeling plenty of ripple effects.

We were not friends really outside of school, but I have never met a teacher that was more perfectly suited to his job.  The kids all adored him, he was calm and patient (and believe me, that can be the world's toughest job in a class full of 3, 4, and 5 year olds) and had a joy for learning and teaching that he instilled in every child there.  He was always sharing articles with the parents about education and philosophy and was more than happy to chat with any of us after school.

A few people I've talked to about this have been angry with him for his actions, but I just simply don't understand that.  His family, friends, and students have all been deeply hurt by this, yes, but knowing him I can't imagine that he did this without having been in so much pain he felt like he couldn't go on.  It doesn't make sense any other way to me.  Perhaps because I have at times wondered if people would notice if I was gone I can't be angry at him.  Our world is broken and life can be lonely even when you're surrounded by people.  Maybe the lesson here (as if we really need one, but something has to make sense) is that we need to be more, much more, intentional about telling people how much they mean to us.  Being grateful for someone AND reaching out to let them know.

Then yesterday at our first MOPS meeting all the various leaders were being introduced and my old mentor mom was talking about something and said and you know, change is inevitable.  And I thought, man, how true.  My life is changing and some of it changed quite rapidly this week.  Where I thought Brian would be dropping Noah off  at school now I have to take him to school every morning and pick him up at noon.  That changes the look of my days more than I ever imagined.  Plus, it means I have to be ready to leave the house with the girls ready as well a good hour earlier than I ever have.  Have I ever mentioned I'm a night owl?  This is going to be interesting.  So far this week it hasn't been so bad, but considering my body may not know what time zone I'm in right now it's okay.  However, my penchant is to stay up late after the kids are in bed and it's going to be hard to change that habit.

Finally, my doctor says the best way to fight crazy emotions and hormones is to start by eating right and exercising.  So now I guess I don't have an excuse of "I'm too tired" to exercise.  And just when I thought I'd be getting back into a routine where I could, now I'm leaving the house at 8am every day.

Change.  I'm not a fan, especially with no warning, but I don't think I have a choice this time around.

Angry Mommy

When my boys look back on their childhood I'm afraid that what they will see is me, angry all the time. I wonder how much counseling that will cost them. 

I'm overwhelmed. All the things are overwhelming to me. The kitchen thrown in on top of everything else this summer has been too much. I need schedule and routine and time to plan things and I got none of that. 

We had an anniversary trip planned and I thought it would be a good break, that it was a good thing we had it planned before the kitchen came upon us or we never would have gone. It turned out to be a disaster. The place we stayed was too hot with all the city noise of a big holiday weekend and windows open. I'm sure hormones didn't help, but I am still the angry mommy.

And so we ruined our trip and came home early and I'm wondering after 10 years if there's any way to get along with someone who is your polar opposite in everything.

And I am undone. Wondering if there is any hope left to be had. Wondering why the people I talk to most I've never even met in real life. Wondering if I am so angry because I'm truly crazy.

Hope...

Over a year ago the word for 5 Minute Friday was Joy.  I kept waiting for Hope to come up and in the craziness that is my life right now I almost missed it.

No one could ever miss my Hope though!

Still more verbal than her sister, I think they take turns getting into mischief.  In some ways it's easy for me to see their separate personalities, yet when I think about trying to explain it to someone who doesn't know them it's not so easy.  They are twins, and yet unique individuals.  I hope they will always see me treating them that way.

At 3 1/4 these girls have ALL the personality and yet they are still my little snuggle bugs.  One thing about staying here with my parents is that whoever gets up first gets to come climb in bed with me on the pull-out couch.  Hope is much better at just laying still next to me for awhile and really snuggling.  I love it!

Hope... hope was my word for the year.  And it's been hard, maybe harder this year than some others.  I'm not in my twin-haze anymore and life is so much more complicated now.  I haven't even found a frame for that word yet, but it's been ever present in the back of my mind, I've needed to call on it so much more than any other word.  It's almost a reminder to not give up.

The phrase that comes to mind tonight; Hope is an anchor.  An anchor for my soul in all the crazy stuff that comes my way.  I just pray that it's lodged firmly in solid rock to hold me steady.

Five minute Friday is hosted over at Kate's place. As always please join in or leave a comment!

Oceans

When we walked into church this morning, late as usual, this was the song they were singing.  Oceans by Hillsong.  It's been one of my favorite songs since I first heard it a couple years ago.

I love the ocean and they always have some background of waves or water or just movement on the screen behind the words.  It seems peaceful and calming.

But then I stop and think about the words of the song.  And the reality of walking out into the ocean, even on a calm day, is not so peaceful.  At least the ocean I'm familiar with here in the Pacific Northwest, is not generally calm.  I've been tumbled by those waves a few times.

Just like the tumbling of the waves, walking out into the great unknown of faith is probably not a guarantee for calm.  You will be tumbled. 

Asking for that?  Just seems like crazy talk!

But that's what this song is really saying.  When the oceans rise, because they will, I will still be calm, because HE will never fail me.

Pay special attention to the repeating bridge.  I don't like asking for trouble, but I DO want to be in that presence, in that grace, in the mystery that makes life sublime.

Listen to my favorite song this morning and then won't you share one with me?

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

(x6)
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Gift...

Joy, with a simple smoothie that Daddy made

Almost every time I hear a random word it triggers a song in my brain.  This week's word, Gift, immediately started the Shaker song, Simple Gifts*, going around in my head and I've been thinking about it all day.

Because of that, I've been thinking about simple gifts.  The delight in nature, the laugh of a child, the gift of clean water.  The things we take for granted in our daily lives that are not so simple in other parts of the world.

Lately it seems like either there is more awareness or I'm simply more aware of things going on in the wide world beyond my four walls and my small community.  The things that are "problems" for me can often be described most easily using the hashtag "first world problems".

What a privilege we have been given, living the way we do.  It's not something to be taken lightly.  Yet there is the daily tension of living in the moment, dealing with all the little things (and there are a million of them when small children are involved), and still being aware of the greater story going on in the world.

How do we make the most of the gift we have been given?  To live with intention, this is my daily struggle.

And wow, I didn't realize it's been since January that I've participated.  Life has been busy and the blogging has been one of the first things to go.  Here's hoping to get back into it again!

Please enjoy one of my favorite songs!

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained,

To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come 'round right.

Five minute Friday is hosted over at Kate's place. As always please join in or leave a comment!

The Lost Month

So... I realize I've been posting only books and Tea sales this month and that's not normal, but neither is being sick for most of a month.  I finally feel like I don't quite have a sleep deficit this week and actually have some energy, but wow that was a long month...

In the meantime... right before all the sickness we went to the Disney Live show my parents got for the kids.

Princesses and Pirates, right up our alley, no?

I wish I had a picture of just how wide Joy's eyes got when she saw Princess Sophia come out on stage.  She turned to me and said "My Princess!" in almost this stage whisper!

The first half of the show was all about Princess Sophia and Noah was a bit bored, but after intermission...

The Pirates came out!  I have to admit that we've watched Jake quite a bit so the music was familiar and it's also just a bit more catchy so Joy was dancing in front of her seat almost the whole time.  So cute!

They even had arial pirates just like in the show, I was quite impressed!

At the end of that half the volcano "explodes" gold doubloons, yes, we collected quite a few pieces of gold tissue paper to bring home after the show!

A very fun show for the kids and really well done!

Then my poor child broke her leg the very next day and it kind of all went downhill from there.  The kids and I all got sick and on top of our cough/cold we all had strep throat and the three little ones got ear infections too!

The only silver lining in being sick meant that we didn't much feel like getting out of the house so it didn't seem to impact Joy as much, not being about to walk around.  She did pretty well scooting around the house after about 3 days, but was also good at not standing on it.

Sister cuddles on the floor!

She was pretty happy to get the okay to walk on it this week.  Who knew you could dance in a cast?  Apparently it automatically puts you on your tip toes in perfect form!

We did also have the Grand Prix races at Awana last week.  Noah made a "shark" car and it was very awesome although Cubbies don't get to officially race.

Cory made a Minecraft car, very flat with a painted on sword.  He came in second place of all Sparkies again this year!

And finally last Friday we got out in this VERY early Spring weather we're having and went for a hike with some friends!  Hooray for getting back to "normal"! 

Now, let the birthdays commence...